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Neurodivergent Diaries: Productivity Problems

I was never really intending on using this website or blog for truly personal entries. I don't know why I decided that, but then I figured that if I am going to be sharing intimate parts of myself like witchcraft and writing, I might as well just put my thoughts down here as well. (Although, I don't think I will be shitposting or anything. Normally I would say that is for Twitter, but I am considering deactivating Twitter all together because I don't really use it and I don't particularly find it useful.)

Lately, I have been considering the word "productivity" -- not just from a literal sense, but from the way I view myself as productive or unproductive. I think I have always had this strange, extreme idea of what a productive life really looks like. I suppose it aligns with the whole hustle culture that took millennials by storm when we first joined the workforce. But now, at 35, I sit here and feel myself go through an ebb and flow of productivity.

I used to find it so frustrating. One week, I could be go, go, go! I would knock projects out, I would dive into hobbies. I would visit with friends and family. I would feel...invincible, really.

And then the tidal wave of overwhelm would come. It would take me out. And the thing is that it wasn't just a momentary wipe-out; it felt like I was reeling for days. I hate that, as I suspect any good Virgo would.

I like being productive. I like being busy. I like working on things. And before anyone says that type of productivity in of itself could be an unhealthy coping mechanism (coughescapismcough), I have been working through this with my therapist since 2020. My worth is not defined by how productive I am (though sometimes I do struggle with it still. I'm a work in progress.)

Rest is also important to me. I don't want anyone to get it twisted. I do like to rest. I guess, for me, I am still coming to the realization that having ADHD comes with bouts of hyper-productivity and then flatlining. I can't always keep up a sprint-pace. I can't always be productive, no matter how hard I try. I wish there was just a happy medium place where productivity and rest could work in tandem together.

And I am getting there. Slowly, but surely. I will find my way to the medium place. I'm just not there yet. And that's okay.

Currently, I am working on a few goals that I know are going to require some big changes in my life. I am going to have to switch up a few things in order to fulfill these wishes. And the majority of them are creativity-based:

I have found that my dedication has slipped when it comes to daily Tarot draws and night reading. I will be doing so well, but then that depresso espresso creeps in. This past week, I was full of anxiety. I could barely think without feeling my adrenaline spike.

Putting things down into writing typically helps me. Making my to-do list and seeing my goals on paper helps me manifest them, as weird as that sounds. I also think I just need to stop being so hard on myself when the ebb and flow happens. People go through cycles of rest and production; why can't I?

So, I think I am going to end this with a few things I have been enjoying and things I am looking forward to in this period of rest. I hope you all will share what has been bringing you joy, too!

  • This chill lofi playlist has helped my nerves calm down

  • A new podcast called Dark House which combines interior design, true crime, and ghost stories

  • This new Halloween Tarot deck should be arriving soon (today actually!) that has taken forever to get here

  • I bought a cool novel organization notebook for my iPad to help me with my book I am working on

  • Another writing aid: my friend and fellow writer, Jessica, suggested the book "Save the Cat! Writes a Novel" by Jessica Brody (different Jessica)

  • I have recently been into making iced coffee at home, so I got this adorable tumbler from Not Your Average Babe that is very Valloween inspired (I also got ghost ice cub trays to go in said glass because I am that extra)

Happy Hauntings!

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