I was never really intending on using this website or blog for truly personal entries. I don't know why I decided that, but then I figured that if I am going to be sharing intimate parts of myself like witchcraft and writing, I might as well just put my thoughts down here as well. (Although, I don't think I will be shitposting or anything. Normally I would say that is for Twitter, but I am considering deactivating Twitter all together because I don't really use it and I don't particularly find it useful.)
Lately, I have been considering the word "productivity" -- not just from a literal sense, but from the way I view myself as productive or unproductive. I think I have always had this strange, extreme idea of what a productive life really looks like. I suppose it aligns with the whole hustle culture that took millennials by storm when we first joined the workforce. But now, at 35, I sit here and feel myself go through an ebb and flow of productivity.
I used to find it so frustrating. One week, I could be go, go, go! I would knock projects out, I would dive into hobbies. I would visit with friends and family. I would feel...invincible, really.
And then the tidal wave of overwhelm would come. It would take me out. And the thing is that it wasn't just a momentary wipe-out; it felt like I was reeling for days. I hate that, as I suspect any good Virgo would.
I like being productive. I like being busy. I like working on things. And before anyone says that type of productivity in of itself could be an unhealthy coping mechanism (coughescapismcough), I have been working through this with my therapist since 2020. My worth is not defined by how productive I am (though sometimes I do struggle with it still. I'm a work in progress.)
Rest is also important to me. I don't want anyone to get it twisted. I do like to rest. I guess, for me, I am still coming to the realization that having ADHD comes with bouts of hyper-productivity and then flatlining. I can't always keep up a sprint-pace. I can't always be productive, no matter how hard I try. I wish there was just a happy medium place where productivity and rest could work in tandem together.
And I am getting there. Slowly, but surely. I will find my way to the medium place. I'm just not there yet. And that's okay.
Currently, I am working on a few goals that I know are going to require some big changes in my life. I am going to have to switch up a few things in order to fulfill these wishes. And the majority of them are creativity-based:
I have found that my dedication has slipped when it comes to daily Tarot draws and night reading. I will be doing so well, but then that depresso espresso creeps in. This past week, I was full of anxiety. I could barely think without feeling my adrenaline spike.
Putting things down into writing typically helps me. Making my to-do list and seeing my goals on paper helps me manifest them, as weird as that sounds. I also think I just need to stop being so hard on myself when the ebb and flow happens. People go through cycles of rest and production; why can't I?
So, I think I am going to end this with a few things I have been enjoying and things I am looking forward to in this period of rest. I hope you all will share what has been bringing you joy, too!
This chill lofi playlist has helped my nerves calm down
A new podcast called Dark House which combines interior design, true crime, and ghost stories
This new Halloween Tarot deck should be arriving soon (today actually!) that has taken forever to get here
I bought a cool novel organization notebook for my iPad to help me with my book I am working on
Another writing aid: my friend and fellow writer, Jessica, suggested the book "Save the Cat! Writes a Novel" by Jessica Brody (different Jessica)
I have recently been into making iced coffee at home, so I got this adorable tumbler from Not Your Average Babe that is very Valloween inspired (I also got ghost ice cub trays to go in said glass because I am that extra)
Happy Hauntings!
Comentarios