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Realigning for May

I don't even know where to start this blog post. Honestly, I have been so overwhelmed lately by changes happening to me and all around me. It's left me a bit scattered and it is hard to find motivation when the Situation (aka, my life, ha!) is difficult. It isn't as bad as it could be and I have been in far worse situations, but my pride has taken a bit of a hit.

Without going into too many details, my health has been a bit in the air, I was laid off from my job unexpectedly at the end of March (which caused me to lose my insurance, which in turn leaves my health in the air), and now I am in the process of looking again. This leaves me with quite a bit of time on my hands. As always, I tell myself, "You can really get a lot done on the days you aren't working! You can set a good schedule and write and apply for jobs and do all the things you normally say you don't have time for!"

All good intentions. And I think I have started working towards that, but I also base a lot of my worth on productivity. On days when I feel like hot garbage, there's that awful little voice in the back of my mind that tells me, on repeat, how worthless and unworthy I am.

I have so much to be grateful for: people that love and support me, a body (despite being frustrating) that gets me places and allows me to do things, enough savings that I am not destitute (yet), a curious mind, an open heart, stories that need to be told, creativity that needs to be expressed. But the feeling of being unworthy? Sometimes it blankets all of these positive things in my life. I hate it. To be honest, I don't even know when I started equating worth to productivity.

I'm 35. Something in me says that I should be secure in a career that will guarantee me money when I am old and security for the people I love. But I am tired of the corporate game. I'm tired of answering to people that truly do not give a fuck about me. I am tired of my talents going to waste.

So what do I do? I keep applying for jobs and I keep trucking along. However, I am also of the mindset that I can manifest anything I want. I can breathe life into dreams if I truly desire them. I have to put in the work.

What is the dream? There are a few.

  • To own a small cafe/witchy boutique with nooks and spaces for working.

  • To publish a novel. Literally any of my novels.

  • To make enough money that I am comfortable and my needs are met (and a little extra to go on trips.)

  • To buy or build a little house with a secret passageway.

  • To continue to prioritize my health.

  • To one day become the Kentucky Poet Laureate.

I do not see any of these being ridiculously hard to achieve. I just need to pick one and go for it. I guess in writing this, I just want other people to know that they aren't alone in dreaming. They aren't alone in feeling unmotivated. They also aren't alone in needing to kick themselves in the ass (which I guess this blog post is my way of doing this to myself. Thanks, me.)

It's time for some realignment. I can't do it all at once, but I can achieve all of them in my lifetime. There's hope in that.

On a more positive note before I go, I have had a couple of adventures in the last month that I would like to share here, just as reminders that my life is beautiful and not always stormy.

Until then, Happy Hauntings, friends.

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